33
$\begingroup$

Have a good quant joke? Share it here. The principle "should be of interest to quants" trumps.

I would be particularly keen to learn jokes which involve some nontrivial finance/mathematics. I am looking for jokes which make you laugh and think at the same time.

This is a community wiki question: One quant joke or pun per answer please.

Improve this question
$\endgroup$
4
  • $\begingroup$ I have some jokes with a mathy bent, some of which are quantish at markjoshi.com/Ashland/Jokes.html $\endgroup$
    – Mark Joshi
    Commented Nov 4, 2014 at 22:56
  • $\begingroup$ i.pinimg.com/736x/2a/f5/f0/… $\endgroup$
    – user29561
    Commented Sep 12, 2017 at 5:45
  • $\begingroup$ The little girl in the bottom right frame should be missing. Just the banker should be at the circus. It makes more sense. $\endgroup$
    – user29561
    Commented Oct 29, 2017 at 5:29
  • 1
    $\begingroup$ This is basically a quant's job. $\endgroup$
    – user29561
    Commented Nov 7, 2017 at 20:48

15 Answers 15

Reset to default
38
$\begingroup$

Efficient Market Hypothesis Joke:

"There is an old joke, widely told among economists, about an economist strolling down the street with a companion when they come upon a 100 dollar bill lying on the ground. As the companion reaches down to pick it up, the economist says ‘Don’t bother — if it were a real 100 dollar bill, someone would have already picked it up’.”

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
1
  • 5
    $\begingroup$ Which might be viewed as a practical application of the no-arbitrage principle! $\endgroup$
    – olaker
    Commented Apr 3, 2011 at 0:10
29
$\begingroup$

When asked "your money or your life", attempts to calculate the implied volatility.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
5
  • 1
    $\begingroup$ That's a nice one! $\endgroup$
    – olaker
    Commented Apr 6, 2011 at 15:24
  • $\begingroup$ ROFL :-))) Hilarious! $\endgroup$
    – vonjd
    Commented Apr 6, 2011 at 16:00
  • $\begingroup$ illiquid options theory required $\endgroup$
    – RockScience
    Commented Apr 7, 2011 at 2:11
  • 4
    $\begingroup$ Also assumes quant's life has non-zero value. $\endgroup$
    – user59
    Commented Apr 7, 2011 at 2:21
  • 4
    $\begingroup$ The quant can have negative net worth. $\endgroup$
    – olaker
    Commented Apr 7, 2011 at 13:27
27
$\begingroup$

Adapted from a joke about economists:

A quant(financial engineer), a mechanical engineer, and a chemical engineer are shipwrecked on a deserted island. They are starving, and are tired of eating coconuts. They come upon a can of food on the beach....

The mechanical engineer says, 'let's wdge the can between these 2 palm trees and rig a branch to chop the top of the can off' The other two quickly point out that this will destroy the can and likely send the contents all over the place, wasting them...

The chemical engineer says, 'let's take the sea water and reverse the polarity of the water extracting the salt to make an acid and then burn one end of the can off' The other two quickly point out that while this is clever it will likely ruin the contents of the can.

The quant says, 'let's make a simplifying modeling assumption.... let's begin by assuming that we have a can opener'

:-)

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
21
$\begingroup$

Investment bank Dog competition:

A researcher, a risk manager and a trader each bring a dog to a competition.

The first one to display is the researcher's dog. The researcher brought a bottle of milk a bowl and placed it all on the floor. Then he commanded the dog to take the bottle and pour the milk into the bowl until the maximum amount it could hold. And that is exactly what his dog did.

The second one to display is the risk manager's dog. The risk manager's brought a bottle of milk a bowl and placed it all on the floor. Then he commanded the dog to take the bottle and pour the milk into the bowl until two thirds of the maximum it could hold and without spilling any milk during the whole process. And that is exactly what his dog did.

The third one to display is the trader's dog. The trader did not bring anything other than the dog. Then he commanded the dog to do what he taught. The dog stands up and walks in the direction of each one of the bowls and drinks all the milk.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
10
$\begingroup$

Q. Why do Quants have the best job in the world? A. Because they spend their time looking at MODELS all day.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
9
$\begingroup$

Two Day-Traders went to go eat (after the market closed of course!). One of the traders orders a steak and has a hard time cutting it. He then asks for a sharper knife... when he unfolds his cutlery the knife hits his plate and falls out of the table and lands right by his foot which was slightly sticking out of the table. The other trader looks at him and says "Why didn't you move your foot when the knife was falling?!" to which he responded, "I thought it was going back up!".

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
5
$\begingroup$

Read it somewhere...

What is the difference between a bond and a bond trader?????

The bond matures.

Here's another.

What is the difference between a hedge fund and a mutual fund?

Mutual funds returns more and are safer.....:)

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
4
$\begingroup$

A Banker explains another banker why he is not getting married ... "She is hot, but not half my fortune hot".

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
4
$\begingroup$

My girlfriend borrowed £100 off of me.

After 3 years when we broke up, she returned £100.

I had no interest in that relationship.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
3
$\begingroup$

A photographer and a quant have one thing in common, as they both fall in love with their models...

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
2
$\begingroup$

Who is a quant's favourite actor? A) Heston

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
2
$\begingroup$

...starts thinking about sexual encounters in term of their Sharpe Ratios.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
2
$\begingroup$

There are 10 kinds of people out there. Those who understand binary maths and those who don't.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
1
$\begingroup$

enter image description here

Why are quants never ripped off in Bangkok?

They are good at pricing exotics.

Why do quants look so happy?

They work on volatility smiles.

What is the difference between a used car salesman and a derivatives salesman?

The used car salesman knows when he's lying.

What is the difference between a quant and a Formula 1 racer?

Quants run Monte Carlo, while F1 racers run through Monte Carlo.

Why is the FX trader unpopoular with the girls?

Because he keeps his dates short.

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
0
$\begingroup$

Quoting Jim Simons,

Those kinds of times… when everyone is running around like a chicken with its head cut off, that's pretty good for us…

meaning good for Renaissance Technologies!

Improve this answer
$\endgroup$
0

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.